[Sorry but this post is not going to be well-developed…don’t got time for eloquent posts, and thank you hoj, for being my one reader, HAHAHA]
I haven’t been able to sleep well lately, so I’ve spent a lot of time lying in bed, just thinking about stuff, analyzing my heart, analyzing life…
These past 6 weeks or so I’ve been studying 12+ hrs a day for my board exam, and through this crazy process, I’ve probably gone through every emotion and thought possible.
I’ve had REGRETS about not studying as hard as I could have during my first 2 years, not studying for my exam earlier, and even questioning the wisdom of me serving sg through med school…
I’ve had moments of DESPAIR when I just wanted to stop studying and take my exam and get a whatever score…
I’ve had spurts of AMBITION where I was studying so I could become the most successful doctor and enter the most competitive residency possible…
I’ve had moments of LONELINESS when I just wanted friends, company, and a gf…
I’ve had moments of PERFECTIONISM when I didn’t care about people, but just wanted to be a machine…
I’ve had feelings of BITTERNESS towards my parents, family, friends, and cfc…
And through all this, I’ve definitely questioned the purpose of life, what I’m doing, why I’m doing, and how it’s all supposed to play out.
It’s almost facetious (SAT word, holler!) how my life paths changed these past 3 years.
From doctor–>to wanting to get an MBA and start hospitals–>to pastor–>to church planter–>to doctor/pastor–>to psychiatrist–>to eye surgeon–>to dermatologist (and that’s where I’m at now)–>?
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This all brings me back to a conversation I had with P Min in March. He told me that I have to really repent deeply, and that I’ve only been repenting in a shallow way.
I didn’t understand what he meant, and I didn’t understand HOW to repent deeply, so I prayed and asked God to show me how to repent deeply.
And He is.
You see, the reason I wanted to become a doctor in the first place was to please my parents/get rich and live comfortably…the reason I wanted to become a…
Pastor–>Self-glorification.
Church planter–>Pride (I felt like I could do a better job than everybody else)
Psychiatrist–>Easiest residency
Eye surgeon–>Easy residency/being able to serve people
Dermatologist–>$$/lifestyle.
The reason WHY I want to do things, MY MOTIVES, are essentially for myself. They are all self-centered. I try to justify it by saying that God can use anything, which is true, but at the core, my motives are whack.
And I think this is the problem with people going through the quarter-life, mid-life, end-life, whatever-life crisis. It’s because we have self-centered motives. We’re living for ourselves and we’re blind to it.
And the solution is simple: self-centered motives–>Christ-centered motives.
And I’m beginning to understand what the Jeeps meant when she said that most people do not make Christ-centered decisions. It’s so difficult. Because, the path of Christ is usually the path of suffering, toil, and hardship. And living in a sinful, man-centered world compounded by American culture and the American “dream” only makes it that much more difficult.
But ALWAYS, the question I should be asking is: What does God want? Not, what do I want?
How can I get the most happiness in my life? –> How can I bring the most pleasure to God through my life?
Self-centered decisions –> Christ-centered decisions.
Self-centered plans –> Christ-exalting plans.
We must fix our eyes on Jesus Christ. The more we wander, the deeper our crisis will be. We don’t deserve any of this anyway, always remember that.
You are not your own; you were bought at a price. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20
Hmmm... 