MS

I am officially a mustard seedling.

Dang it, why couldn’t they ask me during undergrad when I actually had time???!!!

Oy.

Med School: The Beginnings

I was thinking of using the title, Medical School: The First Day of the End of My Life

Maybe I’m freaking out a bit, probably am, but it’s really a different world with different species of people.

Here is what a typical conversation is like between me and a classmate:

Me: Hi, my name’s Frankie. What’s your name?

Classmate: My name’s __________.

Me: So where are you from?

Classmate: I’m from _________. How about yourself?

Me: I’m from _________. So where’d u go to school?

Classmate: Oh, I actually graduated undergrad 10 years ago and got my PhD in Microbiology from Harvard Medical School and worked a couple of years at NIH doing cancer research but decided to come to medical school. How bout yourself?

(This is about the time I’m nodding my head in stupefied awe)

Me: Well…once I captured all 151 Pokemon on my green Game Boy Pocket.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Some initial thoughts and observations:

1) Many of my classmates are older than me and there are only a few who directly came from undergrad. It’s kinda weird with someone 15 years older than you as a classmate. And yes, a lot of them have Masters, PhDs, and a lot of working experience. It really really makes me wish I had taken some time off before starting medical school, whether it was a year or a few years. Darn parental pressuring…(when i proposed the idea of doing something else with my life to my parents…the gates of hell were unleashed, but that’s another story)

2) Med school is really as intense as people say it is. Not just harder than undergrad, like 10X harder than undergrad.

3) People are really driven to succeed. Like really driven. I understand where they’re coming from because I was like that in high school and early college when school was the purpose of my life. But it’s kinda sad, esp. if they’re doing it for some depraved motive.

4) On a similar note, it’s kinda weird for me trying to hang out with non-Christians again (like actively) after being in this Christian bubble for the last 4 years.

5) Everyone looks really stressed and balding. Oh God, nooooooooooooo…

6) So am I not supposed to go to bars (not to drink) while serving?

7) I really wish I got married before I started all this. Too late now.

8 Pharmacy or the research industry looks very appealing right now…

Taking it one day at a time.

And here we go again…

I’m serving sg this year. Like leading a sg.

My initial thoughts: oh crap.

Honestly, I’ve never felt so helpless and incapable and unworthy in my life. Especially considering this crazy summer where I’ve been in a so-called ‘spiritual funk,’ questioning the foundations of my faith and life and WHY I was doing everything I was doing.

During prayer time at servant’s retreat, I can’t say I was being emotional necessarily, but I saw the depths of my sinful motives in regards to my life goals and my faith in God.

I was asking myself: Am I doing this because I love God or am I doing all this because I want to somehow self-glorify myself? Since my parents brought me up in church, is my faith in God just based on me wanting to gain their approval? Am I serving at cfc just for the eyes of people? Have I just been getting caught up in these Christian programs my whole life? Do I genuinely love God regardless of the people in my life? Why am I still here at cfc while other people are moving on with their lives?

Honestly, I wish I had some sort of emotional breakdown at retreat, seeing how much God does love me and crying out in worship. But that didn’t happen. And you can’t conjure up emotions. I just saw the depths of my sin and my lack of genuine faith in God. And my mind has just been filled with thoughts of leaving and going to med school in Chicago…

This has been a crazy crazy crazy summer for me. I’ve never felt so broken, helpless, and confused in my life. Before I left for California, I thought my faith in God was strong. I was doing my QT’s, reading all these Christian books, giving seminars, self-confident in leading a sg, the whole shebang. But now, my passion died down and I’m asking questions about whether I’m really Christian or not. God definitely smashed my self-righteousness to the ground. A large part of me thinks, maybe I shouldn’t serve while I’m in a ‘spiritual funk.’ But then from my Cali experience, I realized that you’re never really READY to serve cuz you’re gonna struggle at some points whether it’s now or later. And God can still use my 10% faith in Him. I hope.

I do have a desire to co-serve again instead of serve (selfishly), but then I know God always gives me only what I can handle. And it is VERY different saying that you are depending on God in your head and actually HAVING to depend on God with your life. If I make it through this year, I know it’s only by God’s hand alone. Nothing I did.

I dunno, maybe God just wants me to stop being babied by people and grow up now and really learn how to give to others.

I guess this is where the rubber meets the road in my faith.

Please pray for me. I’m really scared and anxious. Like really scared. But I know God is faithful.

Summer Musings

I’m still struggling with the idea of blogging because I realized it makes me think of myself a lot more than I spend time thinking about God or other people. Right now, too much introspection is bad for me. But I will try to redeem it. For you Hoj. Just kidding.

If I could summarize my summer in one word, it would be: brokenness.

It’s really easy to think you’re doing spiritually well when you’re getting your heart fed and your personal walk with God is easy. But I think your true character comes out when your heart is not getting fed and life gets rough. I realized I don’t have a lot of character.

Thoughts On Heart Motives

I’ve been a skeptic on heart motives for awhile (being the rebel that I am) but after analyzing my heart this past summer and trying to understand why and when I’m high and low, my conclusion is that it really does show and drive all your emotions, thoughts, and actions. I think the scary and depressing thing for me to discover this summer was that when I didn’t have any ‘chosen people,’ my life literally fell apart. Meaning, I just couldn’t muster up any motivation to do anything at all. Pretty close to depression. And without purpose, life becomes meaningless.

What shocked me even more was that with my perfectionist side, all of those standards were based on the standards of my ‘chosen people.’ And I had to really question myself, ‘Am I living for God because I want my ‘chosen people’ to love me more, or am I living for God because I want to live for Him regardless of the people around me?’

God shook and is still shaking the foundations of my faith. On the outside, my life seems pretty good: solid family, friends, great church, med school, no major financial or health difficulties. But then, without the right heart, all of this becomes meaningless.

Thoughts On Fighting

When I got spiritually attacked in Philly and became super negative towards everything, I think what it started was a process of wrong, unBiblical thinking. Though I’m definitely a ‘feeler,’ I think I use logic and my thoughts to justify my feelings. So if I’m feeling crappy and my thoughts are unBiblical, then obviously, I’m gonna feel miserable.

There’s no way that we can change our hearts. That’s up to God. But WE CAN saturate our minds with His Word. That’s how we fight. When our minds are filled with the truths of God’s Word, everything else will follow. I think the problem is, living in America especially, we are bombarded by so much messed up information, that our hearts begin to wander so easily. When I was at Barnes today, I was just observing people and even browsing through some books, and I realized how much people NEED God’s Word. We fill our minds with all this meaningless information that feeds our hearts temporarily, but in the end, won’t do jack for our beings. I was actually walking around trying to memorize Psalm 34 at Barnes all day, I probably looked psychotic. But I know this is the only way that I’m gonna be able to fight through this. Must feed my Spirit’s nature.

Thoughts On Leadership

Now I understand why there are so few Christian leaders in the world. Being a Christian leader is freakin hard. Dying to yourself everyday is painful, literally. And when you feel like you’re the only one who sees spiritual reality sometimes, it gets very very lonely.

Beginning of summer- my thoughts were, ‘Man, I can’t wait to get through med school so I can go into the jungles of Africa and reach out to the unreached people groups and then get killed with an arrow in my heart as I’m running away from hostiles.’ No joke.

End of summer- my thoughts are, ‘Man, can I even get through a day at home by myself? I’m so sad. How in the world am I gonna get through med school and cfc??? Why am I so freaking dependent on people? Is there any hope?’

People fail. Materialism fails. Television fails. Knowledge fails. Success fails. Comfort fails. My standards fail. Everything I’ve been living for leads to emptiness, yet only God remains. I’ve always known this in my head, but it’s different going through it experientially. Much much different.

Maybe that’s how God wanted it in the end. Not being prideful and happy from what I did this summer, but being utterly helpless every day and depending on Him to get me through. Honestly, if I somehow get through this year of med school and serving, I know it’s ALL because of God’s grace and strength, and nothing at all that I did.

Please please lift up a prayer for me. I really really need to get out of this rut before all hell breaks loose…

2 Corinthians 4:7-9

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Back Home

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Hoj, I think you were right in your e-mail. I should’ve heeded your advice. 😦

Going from 100 mph everyday to 0 mph everyday is a difficult transition. There is absolutely nothing to do at home.

I ask myself, was it better being surrounded by people 24/7 sitting in seminar after seminar after seminar being tired all day and counting the hours away or being at home alone with nothing to do??? Tough call. Where is the middle ground in all this??? Is there ever any middle ground???

Spiritually, home is rough, just going from a hyper-accountability environment where I’m forced to do everything to 0 accountability. I definitely fell hard.

What is God trying to teach me through all of this?

Well, I now clearly understand through my experiences that it’s definitely a heart issue, no matter how trite that sounds. I almost feel like I’m at the same place that I was at before my California escapade. Now I just have to repent and figure out what the heck is going on…

Darn quarter-life crisis. I wonder if anyone else ever goes through this…