Summer Musings

I’m still struggling with the idea of blogging because I realized it makes me think of myself a lot more than I spend time thinking about God or other people. Right now, too much introspection is bad for me. But I will try to redeem it. For you Hoj. Just kidding.

If I could summarize my summer in one word, it would be: brokenness.

It’s really easy to think you’re doing spiritually well when you’re getting your heart fed and your personal walk with God is easy. But I think your true character comes out when your heart is not getting fed and life gets rough. I realized I don’t have a lot of character.

Thoughts On Heart Motives

I’ve been a skeptic on heart motives for awhile (being the rebel that I am) but after analyzing my heart this past summer and trying to understand why and when I’m high and low, my conclusion is that it really does show and drive all your emotions, thoughts, and actions. I think the scary and depressing thing for me to discover this summer was that when I didn’t have any ‘chosen people,’ my life literally fell apart. Meaning, I just couldn’t muster up any motivation to do anything at all. Pretty close to depression. And without purpose, life becomes meaningless.

What shocked me even more was that with my perfectionist side, all of those standards were based on the standards of my ‘chosen people.’ And I had to really question myself, ‘Am I living for God because I want my ‘chosen people’ to love me more, or am I living for God because I want to live for Him regardless of the people around me?’

God shook and is still shaking the foundations of my faith. On the outside, my life seems pretty good: solid family, friends, great church, med school, no major financial or health difficulties. But then, without the right heart, all of this becomes meaningless.

Thoughts On Fighting

When I got spiritually attacked in Philly and became super negative towards everything, I think what it started was a process of wrong, unBiblical thinking. Though I’m definitely a ‘feeler,’ I think I use logic and my thoughts to justify my feelings. So if I’m feeling crappy and my thoughts are unBiblical, then obviously, I’m gonna feel miserable.

There’s no way that we can change our hearts. That’s up to God. But WE CAN saturate our minds with His Word. That’s how we fight. When our minds are filled with the truths of God’s Word, everything else will follow. I think the problem is, living in America especially, we are bombarded by so much messed up information, that our hearts begin to wander so easily. When I was at Barnes today, I was just observing people and even browsing through some books, and I realized how much people NEED God’s Word. We fill our minds with all this meaningless information that feeds our hearts temporarily, but in the end, won’t do jack for our beings. I was actually walking around trying to memorize Psalm 34 at Barnes all day, I probably looked psychotic. But I know this is the only way that I’m gonna be able to fight through this. Must feed my Spirit’s nature.

Thoughts On Leadership

Now I understand why there are so few Christian leaders in the world. Being a Christian leader is freakin hard. Dying to yourself everyday is painful, literally. And when you feel like you’re the only one who sees spiritual reality sometimes, it gets very very lonely.

Beginning of summer- my thoughts were, ‘Man, I can’t wait to get through med school so I can go into the jungles of Africa and reach out to the unreached people groups and then get killed with an arrow in my heart as I’m running away from hostiles.’ No joke.

End of summer- my thoughts are, ‘Man, can I even get through a day at home by myself? I’m so sad. How in the world am I gonna get through med school and cfc??? Why am I so freaking dependent on people? Is there any hope?’

People fail. Materialism fails. Television fails. Knowledge fails. Success fails. Comfort fails. My standards fail. Everything I’ve been living for leads to emptiness, yet only God remains. I’ve always known this in my head, but it’s different going through it experientially. Much much different.

Maybe that’s how God wanted it in the end. Not being prideful and happy from what I did this summer, but being utterly helpless every day and depending on Him to get me through. Honestly, if I somehow get through this year of med school and serving, I know it’s ALL because of God’s grace and strength, and nothing at all that I did.

Please please lift up a prayer for me. I really really need to get out of this rut before all hell breaks loose…

2 Corinthians 4:7-9

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.